Hope Camellia

"Hope is what sits by a window and waits for one more dawn, despite 

the fact that there isn't an ounce of proof in tonight's black, black sky 

that it can possibly come."    Joan D. Chittister

You should have accepted this by now!

You should have accepted this by now!

Piece by piece,

quietly, 

so no-one notices,

i'll leave.

They've got so use

to noticing me not, 

that it will be some time 

before they see i've gone.

And no amount of protestations,

were they all forewarned of my departure,

could convince me this is not the only thing to do

to shake the burden of my 'whole dependance'

'usefulness expended' millstone image of myself I view.

I saw first hand, in previous years

how 'whole dependancy' can eat a soul away;

the loss of independence is a canker

hidden from the view of all but who it feeds upon,

until it's host, when but a shell,

can find the hammer, to reduce the egg to dust

and then be gone.

Perhaps i'm weak,

should have, by now

accepted all my limitations,

just stuck out my chin

in preparation for the latest blow;

found something useful I can do

to fill the empty hours

that shaking hands, and foggy brain

are able to complete

without frustration at a stitch that's dropped

or flower painted on a card besmirched

and blotched.

But, if I Do accept my situation

and stop the angry, anguished cries;

frustration at continuing demise

of independence and abilities;

then have I not lost all my fight,

that keeps me 'sane' and

stops me disappearing out into the night?

So, if i'm just expected to

sit quietly, and not disturb the view,

then I will let you think that's so,

but, piece by piece 

i'll lose myself, and go.

Arrgh, the bitch, the bitch, the bitch my back!

Joy; can't sit for long as my back has gone into spasm, housework is hazardous to your health, putting washing into airing cupboard yesterday and 'ping'. My lovely daughters laugh and say I look like Mrs Overall, thanks, love you too!!

Re-found the poem below while sorting through my paperwork drawers, once my back is happier i'll dig out some more and post, meanwhile, lovely Luke this is for you, love you very lots xxxxxxx


Why did it take so long to write this verse?
When I am just so extrastatic about your birth!
You are a joy; if looking for a definition for that word
transpose with Luke!

You emanate the simple happiness of being alive
when young enough to not be sullied and weighed down
with all the woes the world has round it's neck.

I love you just as much as those grown in My skin
I have to stop myself from squeezing you too hard from love
like wanting to extract the final morsel from a tube 
of squeezy cheese.

Nannapo xxxx

Today is not a cheerful day...

Today is bright and sunny, wish I felt the same. 

Having Dysauto makes me feel really isolated, everyone else is out there in the big wide world doing their jobs, having their freedom, yes I know lots of people have jobs they hate, but they have some amount of choice in what job they do, they Can open their door, get in their  car and drive away from the house each morning! I feel I have no control over my everyday life and my destiny.

At times like these I feel the need to dig a hole

and jump right in so it swallows my soul.

On days like these when my world feels amiss

I feel like I don't even want to exist.

How can I find just a shred of self-worth

when it feels no-one would miss me if I wasn't on this earth?

Mrs Dizzy has a sad face

Oh what a beautiful morning…..

Ah spring appears to have sprung, making it an almost pleasure to drag humungous basket of washing down the garden to hang on new whirlygig!

The birds are chiriping, the airport is humming quite quietly (almost bliss) and the large trees in next doors garden aren't an over-shadowing pain this morning but adding the sound effect of gentle waves breaking on a far off shore.

Today the Not so Secret Garden is looking much more presentable than the previous pics posted, lots of 'works' are under way to put up sheds/poly-tunnels and covered seating areas, and ground is being cleared to re-plant with lupins, delphiniums, sweet violets and lily of the valley, just a couple of more warmer days so their roots don't feel the soil is like the shock of jumping into a local authority swimming pool! After that  begins the rush to get the vegetable seeds sown, yellow runner beans, white patty-pan courgettes, butternut squash and sungold tomatoes - yum :>P - more on that later.

Ah, back to the washing……..

Ooo it's right nice 'ere!

Oooo a new comfort food is discovered ;>P

Coffee Floating Islands in a Chocolate Custard Sea

Today I have discovered I can make my own custard from scratch, real egg yolks and all that! :>O

To use up the egg whites I tried to make Floating Islands to drift in the custard sea - yummmmmm

Two eggs, separated, approx 1 litre of milk, caster sugar, instant coffee, cocoa powder.

Cream egg yolks with 1 tablespoon of caster sugar and 1 tablespoon of good cocoa powder, to a smooth paste, then whisk for 2-3 minutes until light and creamy.

In separate large bowl  (I wipe around it with a tiny amount of white vinegar or lemon juice to make sure there is no grease, dry thoroughly with paper towel, it does not affect the flavour)  whisk egg whites with 1 tablespoon of caster sugar (or icing sugar if you have none, but granulated is too coarse) until increased in size and holding stiff peaks. Grind 1 teaspoon of good instant coffee in a cup until a fine powder, and sift onto egg whites, fold in gently until incorporated. If you don't like coffee just leave it out.

Heat milk gently in saucepan, and when simmering place large spoonfuls of egg white mix into pan to cook, make sure there is plenty of room in pan so they don't stick together while cooking.

After approx 2 minutes gently turn Islands over to cook second side, 1-2 mins. Remove from pan with slotted spoon and cook rest of mixture. They should feel 'bouncy' like marshmallows.

Once islands are cooked strain milk into egg yolk mix, whisking all the time to prevent lumps, then return custard mix to pan to cook.

Once custard is ready serve in suitable dessert bowl and place as many Islands on top as you can eat!

You can top with grated chocolate/home made caramel or other suitable finishing touch.

Mmmmmmmm

T

Oh i'm not very resolute…..

Oh dear it's monday evening and i've posted nothing over the week-end!
Busy talking to a new listening ear, buying up a local craft store to keep me occupied and maybe earn a little 'pin-money', and visiting grand-chiddles xxxx

Christmas pic, difficult to get a photo of them together!

Today I have been mostly wrestling with three loads of washing and then trying to 'nail' it to a new whirly-gig washing line without getting tangled in the 'arms', trying to work out how to load pictures from an Art Nouveau design book disc onto a card pattern so that I can print it off and try painting it with my new acrylic paint, and making thai turkey curry - the last bit was the most successful, and luckily there is a bit left over for lunch tomorrow ;>P bit of luck as it's so blooming cold here in deepest Essex, roll on spring, brrrrr!

More tomorrow hopefully, may have some passable cards to upload!

T.

2/11/2013

Have learnt since this last post that all card making programmes are set for American printing layouts so
my not being to print anything correctly is Not my fault, phew thought I was just thick!

Wednesday words

I opened the curtains this morning and looked out on our big pre-spring garden, still fairly new to me, and waiting for me to make it my own, removing weeds and plants that aren't me. It got me thinking….

Life, it seems, is like a garden; You have the seeds to make Your perfect garden grow.

The past is just life's compost heap, gone, but still of use to help the seeds you want to sow.

Any weed that dares to raise it's head should be removed to stop it's spread.

So diligent weeding of your estate will change your life, it's not too late.

This is what the last tenant left for us to enhance the garden!

This is after clear up last spring, almost same as it is now, save a bit of mowing, pruning and a shed base at the bottom waiting for the shed to go up!

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Dumfries Honeymoon

Gentle mist, an angel's kiss,

wreathes the distant purple hills;

Chessboard fields in shades of green

their 'playing pieces' lives unseen.

Ranks of 'soldiers', dark and green

climb the hills, no space between;

Giggling showers of liquid light

pour down the hills, a gentle might.

A peace so dense a knife could cleave

a tranquil haven too blessed to leave;

My heart and soul is soon renewed

when life that 'real' cannot intrude.

I lately wasted many sighs,

with tears of sadness in my eyes;

Now, sighs of joy caress my soul

and make my happinesses whole.

T.

Hello, good morning and welcome

Writing has always been in my blood, from the early attempts like;

"I have a little mouse and his name is Bill" - title and balance of poem long since lost, up to;

"The weight of life at last has lifted" - intended as the last goodbye poem at my funeral, whenever that may be, I like to plan ahead!

The frustration of now being housebound by a disability urges me to create a blog in order to reach out to the outside world in ways other than Facebook, which seems increasingly to be for the 'youngsters', I never seem to do or say anything interesting to warrant a response from any of my 'friends' 

The 'inner child' is always there!

Everything of my own pictures/photos/work I place on here I do not want republished without my written permission.

I won't ever publish anything designed to offend. If what I publish bores you don't read it, they are my personal thoughts.

A small off the cuff thought on my disability;

I'm not drunk, I have Dysautonomia

I am a Dyssy Rascal

my hydraulics have a glitch

but if you look to see the cause

you'll end up with a stitch.

It took the 'men' with knowledge

five years to find it's name

which brought a modicum of joy

at last, something to blame!

Nannapo 19/02/2013

Not everything on here will be Dysautonomia related, my disability affects my life, I do not want it to rule it.

Keep your inner scaffolding strong fellow Rascals.

T